Inspired by life's ebb and flow...

I've been thinking some lately about what it is to be drunk or otherwise under the influence of a controlled substance. Being around drunk people is fun and all but its always seemed familiar to me in a way that I couldn't quite understand, until now. There was a little girl, about 3-5 years old, eating dinner with her family the other night, seated in an adjacent booth to me. It must be fucking tripped-out to be that age. Think about it... you don't know what anything is and you know the rules but you don't know why they exist most of the time. This girl, for example, kept standing up and dropping food over the dividing wall onto the bench across from me. I didn't laugh or think it was cute but the parents kinda did. Then I noticed something in that child's eyes that also seemed familiar and I thought back to the day before, at work, there was a boy about the same age that was explaining to his father that the slide we have on display shouldn't cost $600 but that it should cost "five dollars and about thirty-nine cents" the greatest thing about it is that logic like that makes perfect sense to these kids, which explains their actions and intentions. its so innocent, you cant help but smile, just like the "return to innocence" of getting fucked up. Then the third instance of familiarity of this phenomenon is the eyes of my buddies when they are drunk. The mindset and placement of souls, if you will, is so similar, its crazy. Just think for a second about the difficulty you have in doing everyday things and how everything is so new and you don't understand things like you do when you're sober. Then people out there wonder why people like to drink and stuff. Hell, its simple when you break it down. Its the best way to return to a place in your life when everything made sense, even though it really didn't at all.

This post goes out to my friends. If you listen and take note of just one thing that I ever tell you, do it now and pay close attention. Dont ever let anyone make you feel like youre not good enough. It seems simple but think back and youll remember people that have made you feel that way. unfortunately we all encounter them. some will be your peers, while some will be people you supposedly look up to. some will be people you cant stand while some will be people who you percieve as friends. hell, one or two may be a pretty girl that doesnt deserve the time of day from you but will somehow find a way to put you down anyway. You cant change the way other people are though and ill say it once more for good measure... YOU CANT CHANGE THE WAY OTHER PEOPLE ARE. However you dont have to take it. dont sit back and watch someone degrade you. dont take the blame for someone elses mistakes and dont make it harder on yourself by making stupid mistakes. if you do mess up, apologize for what you did but have enough sense to know when to walk away from someone for good. youd be amazed at how much better you feel when you leave your oppressors in your rearview mirror. Each day is a small percentage of your life. Once it passes, it's gone forever. why not kill the negative things of yesterday, as you strike out another day on your calander? Then realize that life is too short to deal with a bunch of crap. You know who you are. If its not good enough for someone else, walk away and leave them that much more empty in their own life.

I was just having a talk with a friend and I remembered something that i learned a few summers ago from cody's stepdad, patrick. for the few of you who have met this guy, you know he is brilliant and for those of you who dont, after you read what he told me, you may think tend to agree. im kicking myself for forgetting this for so long. some of my buddies (who have also forgotten!) made it a "ghetto proverb" a couple of years back. here it is... enjoy.

so there was a dog out for a walk one day and he came to railroad tracks. he walked along the track for awhile until he heard the train coming and stepped off to his left like most dogs would. for some reason though, he decided last-minute to be on the other side so he jumped across the tracks and as he did, the tip of his furry little tail got cut off by the passing train. so concerned with this, he whipped his head around to survey the damage and tend to his wound and in doing this was decapitated.

The moral of the story is dont go lose your head over a little piece of tail.

Happy Chartreuse day!!

You’ve tried all this time to cover your tracks. You hid the needles or claimed they belonged to someone else. Paranoia leaves you awake in a cold sweat and you think tonight is the last night youll ever shoot up. Hell, between the heroine and the meth, youre lucky this is all that’s happening to you but still, you think your secret is getting out and although you expected it to, eventually, youre not thrilled that the time for it is now. “there is a leaky faucet” you say but then you wonder if any of your heroine buddies even know what you’ve become or for that matter, what they themselves are evolving into. Yet when you think about it all and the road to getting off of the heroine at least, (you wont quit meth) you are in love with the idea because youre afraid of what people think. So today as you wrap that rubber band around your arm and slap around for a vein, just remember, a lot of people don’t realize that seafoam green is a very very light shade of chartreuse, you fuckin junkie!

They are people too, damn you! Don’t sneak up on one though or you’ll unquestionably hear “dude, that was crazy.” Don’t take them out to lunch and offer to pay. They will hit the potato skins hard and perhaps even ponder the existence of an entire universe on each subsequent portion. Instead go about your day and if it brings you to a park in the ghetto, in a tool shed, or on a poorly-lit balcony with really comfy chairs, strongly consider hugging a pothead… any pothead. After all, they are people too!

Happy hug a pothead day!!

I wont pretend like I know whats going on because I really dont have a clue. Yet in a way its sort of like ive reached a milestone. There are certain people that seem to mix well together that obviously dont. its not like its such a bad thing really but it is like substituting sugar for salt when baking cookies. all the other ingredients are spoiled because of the salt so all in all the cookie leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. like i say though, i really dont know whats going on with anyone but myself, and thats just the way it needs to be right now. Its not that i dont want to be a part of the cookie jar anymore, its just that right now im chillin with pies and cakes man... pies and cakes. so, forgive me as you see fit... but why? ive done nothing wrong.

Happy Those carry rabies. bang! bang! day.

Today when youre on your way to fulfill your responsibilities, whether it be school, work or doing all those dirty under-handed things that you do to pay your bills and support your heroin addiction, when you see something crazy like a squirrel running across the interstate, swerve across 3 lanes to avoid hitting it. Dont do it because youve suddenly become a big softy and are sentimental about the little boogers. Also, dont do it because you figure causing an 18 car wreck on the freeway will get you out of work for the weekend, even if it does kill you. Just swerve because you remember when you were eight years old and stayed at that ranch your dad's buddy owned and the memories of the animals that will never leave you. Like the first time you chased an armadilla and it ran up within a few feet of a tree and within 2 seconds had dug himself flush with the dirt, which you thought was kinda cool until your dad said "those carry rabies" and shot it until his .45 was empty. You thought it was real cool watching the poor bastard spin around, 4 feet in the air and higher and higher with each subsequent shot like it was a video game. But then you didnt think it was as cool as the things lifeless body came to rest next to the hole that he shouldve dug just a little deeper. Remember also the first porcupine you ever saw in the wild and pointing it out to your dad and hearing "those carry rabies" and then seeing it shoot its quills all out as your old man busted a cap in his prickly-gangsta ass. then you cant forget the raccoons, possums, snakes, lizards, coyote, birds, cats, dogs, centipedes, elephants, aardvarks and wild pigs that seem to have, for whatever reason, all carried rabies and therefore died like the scum they were, in front of your impressionable little eyes. In fact, when you got bit by that pit bull 2 years later and it started to froth at the mouth and your mom took you to the ER for a rabies shot, you felt lucky that your dad was at work because god-knows it would have been tough on him to shoot his own 10 year old, rabid son but ya know... sometimes youve just gotta. but then again, thinking about it more, if you happen to hit the little fucker with your car today, just be thankful that youre not him, pick your nose, let out a high-pitched squall and...

Have a Happy Those carry rabies. bang! bang! day!!

Happy remember the Mighty K.C. Day!

Ten years ago today kurt cobain overdosed on heroin and shot himself fatally. It took me the better part of that time just to be able to listen to Nirvana's music again but today I want to take a moment and pay tribute to him and the band. David Grohl is now the front man for Foo Fighters which in my opinion is the best band around that for whatever reason I just cant get into. The bassist, whatshisface, from nirvana vowed to quit performing just over a year ago, or about 9 years after he should have. Back to Kurt though... I guess when youre 13 years old you are first starting to see the world differently from what youve been taught growing up. thats where nirvana fit into my life. here was this guy who would wear the crappiest flannel and ripped levis and let his long blonde hair cascade over his face as he played and sang in a way to tell the world he just didnt give a fuck. I'll never forget the first time I heard his voice singing out "Rape me... Rape me my friend. Rape me. Rape me again!" damn. then for the next several years everyone in the rock/grunge/alternative genre, while respecting it, never tried to adopt this style. Maybe people were hurt just like i was and couldnt stomach his tragic and sudden death. However, thank God for bands like For Squirrels (who are called something else, Subrose, I think, after their singer and guitarist were killed) and Puddle Of Mudd as well as Smile Empty Soul for building off of Kurt's accomplishments. Many of you wont agree that Nirvana had that great of an impact on music today but i have to disagree. From bands like Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, and Alice in Chains in the mid 90s to Staind, Audioslave and Drowning Pool, Kurt's influence is everywhere. Unfortunately though, Layne Staley from Alice in Chains and whats his name from Drowning Pool followed Kurt's way of life and died of heroin overdoses. Maybe thats the beauty of it though. Maybe what is so riviting about the music is that its a product of someone who has been pushed to the limits by life. Today though, every 16 minutes I am going to listen to a Nirvana song or a song that I feel was directly inspired by their work while celebrating his life and ultimately forgiving him for his untimely death.



"He's the one. He likes all the pretty songs and he likes to sing along and he likes to shoot his gun but he knows not what it means. He knows not what it means..."

"I'm not like them. I can pretend. The sun is gone but I have a light. The day is done but im having fun. I think I'm dumb... Maybe just happy. think I'm just happy."

"I'm so happy 'cause today I found my friends. Theyre in my head. Im so ugly thats ok cause so are you. we broke our mirrors. Sunday morning is everyday for all i care. and im not scared. I buy candles in a daze 'cause i found God."

Have a happy addiction is a bitch day!!

Hold your right hand up above your head in a fist but don’t wave it around angrily and foolishly. Instead, punch yourself high on the back of your neck, right above your spine. Walk around in a small circle trying to figure out why it feels so good and consider doing it again, as it has now become your newest guilty pleasure. You are addicted now and you need more. Hit it harder… oh yeah!!! It feels so damn good!! Soon though, youll need to do more to achieve the same buzz or high or whatever it is you feel (you sick bastard) so go to a night club and persuade young girls to punch you in the neck in exchange for drinks, which they will gladly do. Don’t give them sex though. It will only intermingle with your new obsession and both will become empty. After a while your work will be slipping pretty bad and youll quit, cold turkey, for 8 days but then youll leave your house craving more. This time go back to the same club from before but this time don’t go inside. Club hoes bore you now so evolve already, fucker! Instead go around to the back alley. There is still a cover there but the “bouncer” a homeless 9 year old, with fists of iron, will take his payment in malt liquor, so youre in. As you walk past the second overflowing dumpster, but before you trip over the third crack whore, look immediately to your left behind the urine-soaked and partially burned mattress. Youll see a man named Ignacio. Walk up and call him “Iggy”. He will grace you with the beating of a lifetime and the charity hospital they take you to later will put you in a rehab program with a group of sick fucks just like yourself.

Have a happy addiction is a bitch day!!

Happy I cant feel my toes Day!!

So the phone rang before 6am this morning and you didnt hear it. You'd gone completely deaf. An hour later the sun shined through your budget blinds and onto your bare walls as it always has but this time, you didnt know. You'd gone blind. You might have noticed the warmth on your face, neck and shoulders, which would have probably led you to conclude that it was time to get up and go but you had lost all sense of feeling in your entire body. In fact, when you finally revealed this lack of feeling, you started to whimper but then considered it longer and wanted to laugh but could not. Youd lost your ability to speak. You were upset for 3 days and 11 hours or so and then it became painstakingly evident that you were the only one who knew of your own desensetation, but at the same time, you had lost the ability to give a shit too so you just kept going through the motions of day to day life. Now look at what youve become. You are a walking catch 22 and have forgotten that anything good carries a vast consequence. so you are a part of everything, all the time, and are walking in the most empty and unrewarding corridor youve ever walked. so eat it up before someone fucks you up dude and while youre at it...

Have a happy I cant feel my toes day!