Inspired by life's ebb and flow...

I’ve owed you this apology for longer than I can remember and even longer than I probably know. I am sorry for not seeing and appreciating the inestimable quantity of things that you have given me. I took your gifts and I used them as cheap circus entertainment, if I used them at all. I never took the time to expand on any of them, even though I somehow wanted more without ever caring enough to work for it. The tree is still rooted but refuses to grow, citing lack of nourishment and water, when in fact, it has refused these things for nearly a decade, never considering the consequences of such dismissal. I thank you dearly for making me who I am but cannot possibly apologize enough for not knowing and accepting it, thus not yet becoming who I am supposed to be. You did more than your fair-share and watched me squander it selfishly away. God, what I’ve done must have been so hard to watch. For now all I can figure to do is continue throwing things against the wall, hoping something… anything… will stick.

None of us are exempt from life’s lessons, although their timing isn’t always the greatest, in regard to what’s going on around us, or what other things we may be dealing with at the time. Regardless, whether you’re ready for it or not, when life teaches, you will learn. But I’ve certainly learned something this week. Reality is reality, no matter how you bend it, mold it or shape it. The more you fight it, perhaps in attempt to achieve a dream or fill a void, the more painful, confusing or frustrating its going to be. From all the times, at least that I can recall, that I haven’t felt quite right, the common factor is that I couldn’t see what I was looking at for what it was worth and nothing more or less. Then that jumps into expectations or overly idealistic goals and feelings that I don’t plan to leap into today. So just take this all as it is being said, leave it at its face value and expect nothing in return for it, as that’s the only way that I can figure not to be disappointed in yourself for reading it. Apply this principle to whatever you encounter and never be sad again.

Happy break the karma stone day!

This morning you awoke suddenly and not at all silently. You were running late for work again and before you could realize it, your body was already hurling you out of bed, towards the shower. With the velocity of a thousand ostriches (the ones with a lot of velocity, mind you) you hit your hand on the corner of the wall and saw your hopes and dreams, or at least your karma stone, shatter everywhere. “Damn, that cant be good” you garbled as you stopped to check for a pulse. You were still alive but what you had done was no small exploit. You had disrupted a celestial, if not mystical force that as advertised, had repelled negative energy away from you. As you stood there in disbelieve at this course of events, and I do mean just for a moment as your ass was still running late for work, you wondered if, since this stone was affixed to a ring, if it repelled negative energy from you or just from that knuckle. Regardless, you proceeded to that much needed shower in which you slipped in the tub, fell and knocked your head on the soap tray. Instead of going back to bed or back to the mystical trinkets store, you decided to brave the surely ravishing day that lie ahead for you in which you would proceed to lose important paperwork, break computers without touching them and set a waste-paper basket into flames using only a number 2 pencil and the wire binding of a spiral notebook. Last time you had done these things, the boss man gave you a stern lecture about such tomfoolery. But alas, you don’t have your karma stone anymore to fend him off so its time to come to the realization that you are about to get sent home from work, for good. Don’t worry though… you wont survive the accident you’re about to get into involving a truckload of sodium chloride, your car and one of those bicycle ice cream peddlers who broke his stone today too. But until then…

Have a happy break your ugly-ass karma stone day!!

Happy Bday, Cody!

I read an interesting, although overly intellectual article today about black holes and theories of their physical properties. The standing consensus is that nothing except for light can escape from one. Scientists figure that if Earth was ever sucked into a black hole, its mass would be compressed into a ball about three and a half inches in diameter. Thats pretty cool actually. Can you imagine all the crap, all the trash, all the horrible people, ugly animals, wasps and then all the good stuff like oceans, trees, koala bears, and beanie babies, all crushed into a ball of unrecognizable mass that could fit in an infants hand? trippin out yet? thought so. anyway, im not sure i have a point to that at all except to say "sweet." speaking of sweet, i carry the recurring themes of love and partying in my posts. I like to party, damn you! There is a post that i want to revisit, pertaining to love that just seemed to cross my mind recently. it has been edited slightly to accomodate the girl who may as well have inspired it to begin with. enjoy.

Do you know you make me tremble? Are you at all aware of how awesome it feels when my heart skips a beat in your presence? Is it wrong that I have retained everything you’ve ever said to me in a special file folder in my mind, labeled “her.” If it is ok, then it must be alright that I had a dream that I built a ladder, using your words as rungs and then climbed it to your flourishing lips, where I stood, tranquil, looking contently into your olive green eyes. Then you held me up in your palm and we kissed for forty-one minutes. Speaking of, do you mind if I let out a tired sigh in about forty-one minutes when your name randomly pops into my mind? Most importantly though, will it be ok if I contiune to adore you, from too far away, for just a little while longer before deciding to let you shatter me to pieces with logical reasons of why this cant possibly work? Do you mind not shattering me just yet and at least waiting a few months until we can lie entwined together again, where our conversations make the most sense, even when they dont? Can i write you a haiku as you dream of falling and then, as i write the last line, "falling out of sleep" may I catch you in my arms and not let you go, ever again? If so, will that be enough to make you remember me for at least a little while when its not possible for our hearts to pound against one another and for me to passionately kiss your nose? Until next time, sweetheart, think of me lots, smile, bite your lip then laugh embarrassedly as those are the everpresent images of you, in my mind, that i adore most.


i am at a loss for anything else to say so that makes me done writing. love yall.

so i talked to some friends last night and they assured me that we all had a good time saturday night. Ill have to take their word for it. However, I do know that i swam in a canal, shot beer bottles into the bay with a slingshot and slept in a boat. If that isnt the equation of fun, i dunno what is. X equals negative b, plus or minus the square root of b squared minus four ac all over two a? wtf? I like to explain my thought process to people on a lot of things because it makes them understand me better or makes them fall over laughing. Last week sometime, i somehow lost the ability to understand that process. I blamed lack of sleep but now i am caught up, so thats bs. then i blamed too much work, but that cant be it because its not like i actually care about my job or anything. well, i care about keeping it, but not actually anything i do there. Maybe i found a new way to think, without using my mind at all. Or maybe like... i dunno. things or like. something. great. ive devolved into a living replica of beavis and friggin butthead. oh well it works. anyway, i needed the 7th day to rest so no partying last night and with that said, whats going down tonight? anyone? anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Oh... btw. props to andrea for partying with the big kids. the future looks promising after-all ; )