Inspired by life's ebb and flow...

Staind was really great last night. Damn can that guy sing. I found it really cool that they dedicated a song to Layne Staley of alice in chains who died of a heroine overdose a while back. that dude could sing like no other. its just a shame that such talented people live like that and thefore die so tragically. anyway, it was a good show. we walked around downtown for awhile but just way too many people. downtown has potential to be really fun in the next few years but its kinda setup like a carnival right now. bizarre. is it just me or is time moving really slowly lately? seriously. i think of things from last semester as being so long ago. its also tough to imagine that we have only been back in school for two weeks. its not even february yet! insane. maybe its just me though, who knows. Tomorrow by this time, I will probably be sitting there, bored, waiting for the super bowl. Then before we know it, itll be over. I look forward to putting it in my vault of memories, however i know there are people that ive had easy access to this week because of practice that i may not get to see as much in the next long-while. that scares me, quite honestly. oh well, ill just have to take it as it comes i guess. if i seem conflicted at times just know that my mind, heart and feet are all pulling me in different directions, most of the time.

Yesterday was a good day. Things seemed normal. Things were real. I talked with people that I dont always get a chance to talk to. Everything just sort of worked out. neat.

from south park tooth fairy episode (season 4, #2)

"...But ya know, ive learned something today. you see, the basis of all reasoning is the mind's awareness of itself; what we think, the external objects we percieve are all like actors that come on and off stage but our consciousness, the stage itself, is always present to us."

I thought some today about regret. It has only one purpose; to keep us from repeating our mistakes. I thought also about small things that snowball thus having a chain-reaction that leads to something bigger later on. I found one key moment that if was possible to change would have changed so many things in my life over the last 50 days. Anyway, it was interesting to track it all back and relive a bunch of stuff but i wont do that again. For the most part I am the same person that I was 50 days ago. With the exception of the events from new years eve/day, I have no regrets whatsoever of this year so far. It hasnt been perfect but I would do everything in the last 23 days exactly the same, if I had it to do over again. Who wouldve thought though that crashing a car would change people's perception of me? You all knew I drank... Most of you did it too. Most of my friends also have driven that way too and are just fortunate thus far. In my last post I talked about being nicer than every one of my friends. Sorry guys... Even if you are very nice, we may tie but youre not nicer. Not that its a contest or anything... the point is just that i can be an ass but i have to be pushed really far for a long time to be anything but nice. For those who liked me last month that dont as much now, you are foolish. I am 97% the same person with 3% added maturity. 8 essential vitamins and minerals. delicious. to say though that you had feelings for me and that new years changed that for you is a total cop-out. Events occured before that to show me you never did. "you know nothing" youll say. ahh... contrar... I know much. Much more than you give me credit for. ahh yes, the beauty of underestimation.

Well, I got some classes today. Cool. Anyway... I am still not sick but continue to think I might be getting that way. Does anyone actually read this shit? If I thought I was doing this all just for me, I think I would approach it somewhat differently. Oh well. I guess I'll never know. I'm starting to think I expect too much from my friends. I want them to treat me how I would treat them. Ya know... fuck it... I'll just be blunt about it. I am a damn-nice guy. I am nicer than every one of my friends. Tonight I was hanging out with some people and I was quiet like I have been lately and i just listened to how fucking hateful they can be towards one another and/or people we know that arent even around. I cant stand the hatred anymore. I'm done with it. Feel free to talk shit all you want but count me out. On another note that has to do with this just because I am talking about friendships, I dont need friends that care only when it is convenient for them. i dont leave voicemails unless there is a reason. dont call me back though... i have plenty of friends that will and do... i have no use for those of you who dont. somehow i feel as though i care for you all more than you care for me. dont show me differently though, if its fake... i have enough good friends left that i dont need the charity. my niche in this community is gone... ok? missing it is only temporary though. i know these are harsh words and hell, maybe ill regret it later. the funniest thing about it is the messages ill get tomorrow saying "were you talking about me" or "i am not like that!" good. im not talking about you then. to quote dave matthews, "turns out its not where but who youre with that really matters." ahh... true but for some reason it just isnt working for me anymore. i still love you all but damned if i feel im getting anything in return. same song as before... next line..."if you hold on tight to what you think is your thing, you may find youre missing all the rest." yeah... no shit there. for the brief moment i considered tranferring out of state everyone tripped on me. respect that there are many of you who i cannot live without, amongst a few that really show they dont care if i'm around or not. it takes a stronger person than who i am right now to tell the world to "kiss my ass" but give me some time... im almost there.

Today was really fuckin weird. Its hard to explain it but it feels like something is missing. Maybe its that I dont have classes, at least not yet. Maybe its the whole posibility that I wont have classes this semester, although that idea really hasnt set in yet so I hope thats not true. Last night at whataburger i felt like i was getting sick. i didnt feel sick at all, just kinda lethargic and out of it. my concept of time is a little off and i feel like im not getting enough sleep. also i have this kind of secret festering on my mind most of the time. maybe its not there all the time but sometimes i almost spill the beans, thus letting the cat out of the bag and opening pandora's box, or some shit. that concept of time thing is really weird. lately ill tell people something happend 15-20 minutes ago and then i realize it was like 4+ hours. anyway... im sure im going to have some little cold thatll go away in a couple of days. we'll see though. it would be funny if its like that "pink-eye" episode of South Park where people are turning into like mummies and the doctor says they all have pink-eye. youll know though if i start eating peoples heads like they did in that one, if i remember correctly. i wrote a badass haiku as i walked across campus today, only to find out later that it sucked because "wasted adoration" has 6 syllables. damn you syllables. damn you to hell!! anyway... this has been plenty of fun for one night. i can rest comfortably tonight though after the state of the union told me about that 10-year old girl from new hampshire that "believes in our troops." and they wonder why innocent children become disillusioned adults. its whatever. goodnight my children.

Well, this it. School starts back tomorrow. Sick. If I don't have a job by the end of the week, after calling some people today, I have two options both of which sort of suck. One of them sucks so bad Ill never tell you what it is. The other one sucks less but has a really weird pay structure that I'm not really sure I understand. Anyway, it is what it is.

A close friend commented yesterday on how positive my outlook on life is. Although I agree with her mostly, I cant imagine where this is all coming from. However, I am letting things roll off my back more because I realize how little of importance they hold to the bigger picture. To keep with the same theme as before, my friends are amazing. Even the ones that I expected to bail on me have stuck around. Over the summer I watched Charlette's Web and the very last line is something like "its not everyday you meet someone who will truly touch your life." At the time I just broke down about it because I had taken my best friend for granted for so long. My best friend is in another place than me right now, unfortunately and its sometimes hard because we don't really get to spend that much time together and honestly it makes me sad at times. But its true what the movie says. Friendship doesn't grow on trees ya know and even if it did, a friendship like that would be up there on those seemingly unreachable branches.

A long time ago I decided I should learn at least one thing a day, no matter what. What I didn't know then is that learning things that you used to know or about things you know and take for granted, is just as rewarding as learning brand new things. We are all on this journey, you see. Each of us had a different point of origin and has a different destination. But here we are together at crossroads. Who knows where the road leads us tomorrow? Now though, even if just for a short time, we are together. Let us travel down the road a little bit together until one path becomes many and we are forced to part ways at which point the memories we make now wont be forgotten. Understanding of course that there are many important things in life, its hard to imagine anything will ever mean more to me than you all... My friends.

Hey there! Tonight was a good night and really the whole day was pretty cool too. Honestly, there are some things that I'm not too sure how I feel about but for the most part stuff is getting pretty ordinary again, which makes me happy. I was nervous about hanging out with people in a sort of "party" setting since I havent since ive quit drinking. it was great though. My friends are all very nice people. fun to talk to, even sober. :) Tonight I didnt feel like I needed to be the center of attention. I didnt feel any need to force people to talk with me. I was there, amongst people who share a common interest in caring for one another. It was just real chill and I really enjoyed it. Cheezy, right? but its true! For all of you who read here, I feel so fortunate to have you in my life. sappier than a pine, i know. its whatever. The game was good though. I enjoyed it. I played horribly again but the guys won, which was cool, even though they really have some depth issues and other problems that piss me off. I wont go there though... Not after a win at least. Tomorrow I am going to just chill and watch the womens game on espn. This next week is one of those "make or break" kind of deals for me. Im sure if i just focus on what I'm doing, everything will be just fine though. wish me luck with it. thanks. anyway, im off to bed. Love you all sooo much! G'night.

so wow... school starts next week. sick. ive been looking for work this week and mostly doing some tcb, ya know.. taking care of business. its hard to believe we have only been out of school for a month or so. it seems like forever, looking back on it. im pretty-well stoked about the superbowl, not so much because of the game but because we get to be a part of it. itll be so cool to one day tell my kids (or someone elses kids, if i dont have my own) "you there... youngster...i was in one of them there superbowls. which one i dont rightly recall but yeah... one of them" yep. On coogfans.com last night on the basketball forum someone posted "that female trumpet player on the back row sure is pretty." i didnt know people noticed individuals in the band. weird. makes me uneasy in a way, knowing what i say to the players and refs at most games. such as "hey, (insert player name) hows your wife and my kids!?" ahh yes... cougar basketball. they should win an award for "best comedy performance in a pseudodramatic skit." its whatever though. maybe not whatever but perhaps a little steezy. maybe not steezy but...whatever.

I realized today why I prefer to sleep during the day and stay up at night. Right now its 2am but its so quiet. its peaceful. My parents aren't goin off about me or about each other. Nothing rattling, clanking, clunking, or carrying on anywhere in the house. Just serene. Why would I want to waste times like this sleeping. Sleep is its own sort of escape. By sleeping you can not only get rest but you can ignore all the things that get you down or annoy you. Also its soothing and healthy. It regulates blood-flow and breathing patterns. Anyway... Last semester I didn't have class on tues and thurs but went to school anyway with the intent of sleeping when I got there. But UH, when you don't have class, is relaxing in and of itself, to me anyway. So I would end up just hanging out there all day. Never was there any better time wasted than the days I've done nothing at UH. So yeah, I need to go find a job during the day, everyday, until I get one. I still prefer sleeping during the day though and now I know why.
I ate chinese food tonight and my fortune cookie made me laugh. It said "Be assertive and you will win." thats maybe the funniest thing thats happened to me randomly in a while but yeah, its whatever. I am winning in life and I wouldn't call myself assertive exactly. I really do feel like I am winning in life though. I'm alive. I am healthy. I'm looking forward to the near and distant futures. I feel a lot of love from a lot of places. its good stuff. On an unrelated note, you people look amazing in all purple and blue clothing. its a good look on most of you. Anyway... time for the sleep. love you all!

Life was easier when you were a kid. You had the answers to everything... Had it all figured out. If some conflict arises in your life today, try to sort it out with video game logic. For example, say youve been pretty cool with one of you friends for a few months but you dont see eye to eye on a particular issue. Go ahead and tell him to go to hell. You have powered-up to super-mario, with fireballs, therefore messing up here only makes you little mario for what, half a level... its fine. however, dont do anything too dumb like fall in one of those pits or yeah... doomsday. But even then you should be ok but remember that any sort of phsical violence is like warping backwards or reseting the console. As far as girls go, well, i mean, thats your call. just remember that everytime mario saves the princess she just presents his ass a new quest with harder and faster-moving shit. so really, in the scheme of things, whats the point? hehe... this is just for fun guys. think of your own. youll love it.

Bubba's boss was getting tired of Bubba proclaiming that he "knew everybody" in the world.
"Okay, Bubba," his boss said one day, "Prove to me that you know everybody in the world. Do you know Tom Cruise?"

"Oh, me and Tom go way back," said Bubba.

So the boss bought airline tickets to Hollywood, and pretty soon Bubba was knocking at Tom Cruise's door, and was shortly admitted by the butler. Tom rushed to greet Bubba and invited him for lunch, and they had a good time discussing movies and things.

"Well, I'm impressed," said the boss when they left. "But I bet you don't know President Bush."

"Aw, sure I do," said Bubba, and with that they were off to Washington, and pretty soon, the White House guard was escorting the two men into the Oval Office.

"Howdy, Bubba!" said the President, warmly embracing him.

After a nice visit and a chat with the Cabinet secretaries, they left. The boss was suitably impressed, but not giving up.

"Okay, Bubba, I'm going to ask you if you know the ultimate celebrity -- the Pope."

"Why, for sure I do!" said Bubba, and pretty soon they were on an airplane to Vatican City.

They found themselves in St. Peter's Square in a crowd of thousands, and Bubba said, "Heck, I can't see nothin' from here," and so he went right up to the Swiss Guards and the doors opened to him.

The boss waited outside in the square. Pretty soon the door to the upstairs balcony opened, and out comes John Paul II and Bubba. They began to smile and wave at the crowd, with their arms around each other. Shortly thereafter Bubba decided to return to the Square. When he got there, an ambulance was loading his Boss into the back.

Bubba rushed up and said, "What happened, Boss? You ok?" The boss says, "I was doing fine until you came out on the balcony and the guy next to me says, 'Who is that guy on the balcony with Bubba?"'