Inspired by life's ebb and flow...

i just had a really good time and heard a kick-ass band play. damn, endochine is my new small-time fav. they are so great.

everyday that goes by completes another piece of the puzzle. i cant believe i was such a fool for so long to believe what people told me. i am not a liar but appear to be surrounded by many. im keeping it vague on purpose because i dont want to hear any shit about it later. i am not wrong for anything ive felt and/or said in the last several months. fuck everyone who tried to make be believe i was the one fuckin up. if you want to argue about it, fine... go to hell. i feel like the last few days will be reflected on later as a much-needed turning point for me. im not stupid... say what youd like and try to make yourself believe it. i know how it all really is.

on a much related topic, what ever happened to meeting someone, getting to know them, liking them and dating them? all i see are people who want to get thier "jollies" and dont want all the "baggage" that goes with it. thats so naive... the "baggage" is the stuff that love is made of. all i see anymore is a bunch of people that want to get drunk and find someone to fuck around with... you sorry sons of bitches are missing out on the best part. i have a ton of love to give, when i find someone worthy of it. it wont be idealistic im sure but ill be damned if im going to just smash for the sake of gettin my rocks off. i dont ever want to be touched by a girl and find out later that she was just a damn hoe to begin with. imagine... me with moral complexities. who knew?

"Im not a man that can stand much of anything
I think I'm a fool
for loving, for leaving
for all that i mean to do.
Searching for peace yeah
we all search for peace inside
I know we can find
a place where are hearts are beating
and happy to die."

Ok, so im not big on posting lyrics like that but thats a band called Endochine that will be at fitz-up on saturday night. I am, however, big on making mistakes that I think at the time will lead me to achieve some sort of higher stature amongst my peers but nah... it doesnt work that way and i just end up fucking myself over. I guess its time we face the harsh reality that I've got some issues that need to be worked out in solitude, to keep me from ruining things with anymore people that i care about. and thats the thing... would anything phase me if i just didnt care about you all? well, i show it in stupid ways sometimes... i know this. a friend of mine threatened to fight me today and although im not sure why, i cant blame him. he would so knock me out too, not because im weak or unskilled in the ways of the ghetto, but because i do see how vile i am, not to him so much but to others and maybe as good ass-whoopin would suit me well. i dont mind telling anyone who wants to know that i am still struggling with depression and cant seem to fight purpose for my life right now. Igot a wrong number on my cell phone today which surprised me because that was the first time the thing has rang in 4 days. i knew it would be this way and everyone told me i was being paranoid. however, i cant help but think maybe its just because i was paranoid and tried to force people to miss me, therefore they all got burned on me pretty quicky. who knows. Once i get settled into my new place everyone is welcome over anytime you feel like it. i miss people enough where i really would mean anytime too, just so long as you call first so i can throw on some trou. :) i dunno though... if solitude really is the answer then i think maybe im focused on the wrong question. i went too damn far last night, like i sometimes do and to anyone was hurt in anyway with what was said, know that im sorry and feel horrible about it. on another note, one of my buddies is dealing with similar things as me. he scares the hell out of me sometimes because he says things in a way that i can identify completely with how he feels. buddy... the only answer is to not lose yourself. you cant control what other people will say and do. just do your thing man. youre so much better at all this than me, if that makes you feel better, which im sure doesnt. anyway... tomorrow ill be back with another narrative that wont have a thing to do with my life at all but will have the potential to earn a smile from some of you, which is one of the things i miss most about being normal.

Happy disgrace your world war II veterans without realizing youre doing it day!!

You know about pearl harbor and how that attack got the US into the second world war. You know about the holocaust and youve been the museums, taken pictures and shed a few tears out of respect all while thinking of how the school children, there on field trips are too young to fully understand what it was all about. You hide your ignorance behind your degree or diploma or ged or whatever it is that makes you think you know more than the average burger flipper and just look down on others as ignorant.

You know about this shit... you do, but you cant help but get the two world wars confused for one another. "When was that damn depression thingy and that FDR's New Deal jazz." And what the hell is up with this communism shit?" You want to think WWII served some higher purpose to americans than just a bunch of old codgers at the VFW talking about their veterans rights and the next parade that you wont attend unless you get stuck watching it because they closed down the major thoroughfare to where youre going. in this case you will flip off the veterans and call them old farts. this is a must.

Then you remember that old, creepy guy that hangs out at the donut shop, that walks with a limp, maybe from fighting for your freedom in that very war. But all you think about when you see him is please god let me make it out of this hell hole without having to hear one of his patriotic stories that start out with "well... it was nineteen and thirty nine and i was just a young whipper-snapper." no... you certainly shouldnt be made to hear such a story. Why waste your freedom listening to such rubbish when you know damn-well youve got every right in the world to walk away thinking, "damn, what a sad lonely man."

Dont fret though. He has grandkids your age who also dont know the facts of world war II aside from what went in one ear and out the other in history class. he hates them and you on the same level. this explains why he yells "you ungreatful, mtv-watchin, disrespectin, ignorant, sorry excuse for a half-assed american!" as you leave with your coffee and glazed donut holes every wed morning you think, this will be the last time i come in here again but there are so many veterans of WWII and so few donut shops that glaze the things with that waterful technique so you face it... youre stuck here in this makeshift foxhole, not knowing if youll make it out alive. Youll compare it to normandy and iwa jima but you dont know what those are anyway so...

Have a happy disgrace your world war II veterans without realizing youre doing it day!!

Happy wow, schnazy new sandals day

She went to the mall last week expecting to find something there. She wanted a new bag but became particularly interested in the boy working the counter at the gap instead. She had seen him her last eighty-eight or so times there and had become more tolerant of his dim wit, nonchalant ora and pseudopreppy disposition with each subsequent visit. she didnt notice his bucktoothed grin or the untied shoelaces of his faded used-to-be brownish Dr marten oxfords any more and maybe in another eight visits she would find those things to be charming quirks.

Her friends knew him only as that boy from the gap but she knew him for who he was... Samuel P Whitmore... Sammy, as his friends called him. The conversations had been quite normal each of her several times into the store. "Welcome to the Gap" then the next time maybe "cash check or charge" but lately it had been elevated to "that outfit is wonderful on you" yep... The dim-witted kid from the gap, in all his ignorant splendors may have known what he was doing after all. what was he doing? was it possible that the dorky kid from the gap had a crush on her? no way! he was just a kid after all, even though she just guessed him to be a sophomore and her a distinguished senior after all!

Her in her schnazy new sandals though, showing off her french tipped pedicure and that cute toe ring that Joey, the guy from 3rd hour english had given her as a token of his love for her but that she wouldnt be caught dead wearing in front of him, especially after how she left things with him. Samuel though.. the lovable dork from the gap would surely notice her schnazy new sandals and when he did she would be ready to make her move, biting him in the face until he died just like female spiders often do to their mates. she wouldnt eat his head though... that would just be cruel.

"wow... schnazy sandals!" he finally said to her on her way out the door.

"Oh, these old things?" was her reply as she walked away, not making her move and he not making his. so she went on looking for the bag she came to the mall for and left with only with satisfaction of knowing next time may be different.

Happy wow, schnazy new sandals day!

Happy "damn... why is this purple" day

You woke up with a grin, not knowing why since you were in a pissy mood, but you didnt harp on it. The first several people you spoke to were uptight about different things which didnt help your situation but somehow put you in a state of bliss, that you didnt question, as it was a nice change in pace for you.

Youve been so bored with everything lately yet tired from doing nothing and just all-out exhausted from all the sleep. An old friend talked to you about left-brained vs right-brained and the only thing you could determine is that neither side functioned correctly, at least not then, because all you could do was envision a tiny ball-valve shifting your flow from one side to the other, shutting one completely off and giving life to what may have never been used. Of course you were so intrigued with the functionality of the valve that you disregarded the rest and still dont know how human thought or whatever he was babbling about works.

Someone else overheard and had him explain it again but you still didnt give a fuck and noticed that huge purple whelp on your inner-right forearm. "damn. why is this purple" you said aloud, stopping the senseless babble for a moment. "shit man. get whacked with a louisville slugger?" You looked at it again and thought back to last night. Which side of your brain were you using when you asked that girl what color her thong was? Was it the same side that told you not to do it when you considered it 3 minutes prior? was it the same side that told you "well, youre not tryin to fuck her bf" even though he was quite built for a guy that small? yeah... no matter really, he didnt hurt you and it turns out it was red, just like you imagined it would be but not so much a thong as a g-string. dont beat yourself up over the whelp though. You had no way to know that such a hot girl could leave such a nasty mark.

Happy "damn, why is this purple" day!

hey... im still not feeling writing a blog but i will, even against my own better judgement. Did you all know i have some issues or like some problems? yeah... of course. first off, everyone has some issues. yeah yeah... we all have them. im sorry that i havent done more to lock away my feelings. im sorry that i always feel the need to share whats on my mind. im sorry for the way ive made you all feel about me. truth is, i am who ive always been. i just dont hide behind a smile and a joke anymore because its just too much for me most of the time. i dont want pity. i dont expect sympathy. i really am getting better, for the most part, even though sometimes i just fall all the way apart. i miss my "friends" since im not in school this semester. until youve lived through it, you wont understand what its like to be forgotten. i know most of you dont forget me intentionally but guess what... you do forget about me. i forgive you all for your downfalls though. please forgive me for mine.

my day in short... bad, whatever, shitty, shitty, way shitty, fine, better, awesome, cool, fine, whatever, fine, incredible, good. Sweet! begin random lyrics... wait for it... right about... almost... now!

"if you want beautiful, pitiful, have me in a picture. and if you want make me dance, throw me 'round, spin me on your finger. if there's a crease in my face over time, there's plenty more where that came from"

"without love im insecure, without love im never pure. I could love you with a broken heart. I could love you with a broken heart"

"how dare you say that my behavior's unacceptable. so condescending and uneccessarily cricital. I have a tendency of getting very phsyical. so watch your step cause if i do youll need a miracle... you want to stay but you know very well i want you gone. not fit to fuckin tread the ground that i am walkin on"

"I dig my toes into the sand. the ocean looks like a thousand diamonds, strewn across a blue blanket. I lean against the wind, pretend that i am weightless. in this moment, i am happy. i wish you were here"

"I'm missing your laugh How did it break? And when did your eyes begin to look fake?
I hope you're as happy as you 're pretending."

"im so happy 'cause today i found my friends. theyre in my head. im so ugly thats ok cause so are you. we broke our mirrors. sunday mornin is every day for all i care and im not scared. i buy candles in a daze 'cause i found God."

"you think youre special, you do, i can see it in your eyes. i can see it when you laugh at me, look down on me and walk around on me. just one more fight about your leadership and i will straight-up leave your shit cause ive had enough of this and now im pissed"

"youre the preistess, i must confess, those little red panties they pass the test. so slide up around the belly, face down on the mattress"

"i wanted you to know, i love the way you laugh. i want to hold you high and steal your pain, away. i keep your photograph... i know it serves me well. i want to hold you high and steal your pain, cause im broken..."

"theres women in the streets, pulling out their hair. my mast is in the yard, giving light to the unaware. this blasted little play is just a step amongst their stairs and i am overcome"

"since the moment i spotted you, like walkin 'round with little wings on my shoes. my stomach's filled with the butterflies... and its alright. bouncin round from cloud to cloud. i got the feelin like im never gonna come down. if i said i didnt like it then you know i lied. every time i try to talk to you i get tongue-tied..."

and finally...

"Now nimble fingers that dance on numbers will eat your children and steal your thunder, while heavy torsos that heave and hurl will crunch like nuts in the mouths of squirrels... Shut the fuck, shut the fuck up... right now, learn to buck up. Right shut the fuck up Hey-ho, yeah, yeah, yeah, learn to buck up... I don't wanna, I dont wanna hear it"


giddy-up!!

Check it... no poem, no plea, no sadness... not another tear shed for her. No calls, no visits, no invitations... not another day of adoration. I have finally found closure. I wont think for another second that I deserve to be treated the way she treats me. I wont smile in her face since all she does is turns away from me when I do anyway. No more getting upset that she doesn't give a shit about me. No more feeling down because she, a person who thought I was really funny not that long ago, wont laugh at my jokes, even though most everyone else does. No more sympathy from me when a guy who everyone else knows was always wrong for her, treats her like shit. No more noticing all the things that made her so desirable in the first place. I don't care how long her hair gets and how gorgeous it looks... It wont phase me. Everything she likes is now tainted with her reluctance to give a damn about me which will make me hate these things now, even though we shared tastes in many areas. TO HER: you had plenty of chances to make this right and just kept kicking me in the nuts. I hope you care for someone like I did for you one day and they are blind to it like you are now. Here's to leaving you in the past.

alrighty... Super Bowl was an awesome experience. I was so close to Janet's nipple, it was cool. I feel really good about this, my second and last retirement from marching band. I marched 3 good years and a crappy one so it was good to come back and have a good year to go out with. I cant think of a more fitting last-peformance than the super bowl either. I already look back on my years in the UH band with fond memories, from the days hanging with beau, jeff, roland, cody and brandon linder to the current times with just too damn many good friend to try to mention. super bowl though... wow... good stuff.